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Junk Mileage-The Characters Of Seinfeld In A 1500m Race: Ranked

Posted 5 months ago

In my mind, without a shadow of a doubt, Seinfeld, with my apologies to Home Improvement, was the best thing that TV gave us in the 90s. The fact that Jerry and friends were given the green light by NBC to provide us with hours upon hours of relatable life-emulating stupidity, week after week for nearly 10 years speaks for itself, but nearly 20 years on since the final episode, the reruns are still playing daily on various cable networks. I would think that pretty much cements the show as a) one of the best TV shows ever or b)one of the cheapest shows available on the market.  

Now, as you can imagine, over 9 seasons, the idea of running had to come up once or twice in the show, and it did a few times, most notable in season 6 in an episode called “The Race.” As fate would have it, Jerry bumps into an old foe from his high school days who claims that Seinfeld cheated him out of a victory in a track race, and thus a rematch (and much hilarity) was born.

While this nod to track and field was appreciated, it begs the bigger question...who amongst the regulars in the cast would actually win in a foot race?And not just the short sprint pictured here, but in a race that requires top notch aerobic conditioning, next level strategy, and a devastatingly fast final kick. Yes, the question needs to be asked, which Seinfeld character would win in a 1500m race?

Now, before we can start ranking characters, we need to think about the dynamic of the race. You see, the 1500 is a beast that can take many forms, from the more strategic “wait and see” style to an all out front-run fest. Now, if I were to guess, my bet is it would be a wire to wire race...full speed ahead through the whole thing. Why? Simple. 1. A fast race is a good race when you only have 30mins in an episode and 2. Do you think a guy like Kramer is going to wait around for the race to come to him??? Nosiree.

So, with all that determined, let’s take a look at the probable results.

  1. Jerry Seinfeld-This one is easy: he’s the namesake of the show, he needs to win. Also, at different times in the show he is seen inside a gym, meaning he’s probably not completely out of shape, and just look at the video above, even though he got a head start, he was still able to put serious ground between him and the high school track star behind him. Clear favorite.

  1. Kramer-Remember that time Kramer was desperately looking for a washroom, and as a result ran all over NYC? He’s got speed, he’s got endurance, he’s probably got some sort of famous connection in the running world to pull him through, but alas, he is not Jerry Seinfeld, so he will have to settle for 2nd after a likely comical fall with 100m left to go.

  1. Elaine- It was once revealed that Elaine once edited a book on running, so quite frankly, that likely makes her the most knowledgeable on the subject. Also, by my count, she has made the most amount of gym appearances of anyone, likely making her the most fit. She could have enough in her to beat Kramer, but I still like Cosmo’s chances.

  1. Newman-Yes, Newman is ridiculously out of shape, but he is also not George, and it is in George’s nature to always finish last at everything. Also, if the beer mile has taught us anything, it’s that mailmen make good (beer) milers. Still he’d be far back of the first 3.

  2. George- George, the lovable loser. He can’t win...no, he just can’t win.

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